A Daily Dose of Nothing

Jim Norton Quotes

Thanks to http://www.jimnortonfans.com

"All I care about is my mule and juice flowing through it!"

"I'll give you disrespect...the way I treat women. It's horrible. Suck, and get out of the car"

"I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids"

"I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire"

"I hope she falls on a pile of crushed glass"

"You have the emotional range of an autistic"

"What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?"

"I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic"

"You have the timing of diarrhea in the 9th inning"

"That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?"

About Rick & his wife flying to England to see Ah-Ha perform: "I'd rather fly to Haiti for a blood transfusion"

"You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell"

"I don't pull out because...it's not my problem."

"Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades"

"I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated"

To Sandy Kane: "Your body belongs in a bicycle basket in front of the moon"

"Its not rape if she blinks twice for yes"

"I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open"

"That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood"

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

"It's not gay if you don't make eye contact"

To a retarded chick: "Take it all in or you won't see Santa this year."

"Generally, I'm about as photogenic as a pail of stillborns"

"There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future"

To Sandy Kane: "The last time you stripped for money, Roy Campanella still had legs"

"You know what would be a good Olympic sport? Get a water buffalo and put him on skates, and tie him to Christopher Reeves, and watch it smash him into all the boards..........And not to wheelchair either, to his dumb legs"

When bombing in front of an audience: "What the fuck is that? you're looking at me like I just beat kid porn charges on a technicality"

"Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly"

"I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice"

"I am so ugly, if I got a girl pregnant she would throw herself down a flight of stairs"

"God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married"

"Any woman who calls a penis a weenie should be strangled with piano wire and kicked in her fat stomach, you LA Gear wearing pig"

"I hope you die in a motorcycle accident"

"I'd like to see someone lose all their money on a game show and throw a bagful of prostate cancer on the host"

"For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD"

About overpriced hookers in Aspen: "I dont want to get married or nothing, do you have a deformed girl I can bang for 50?"

To Blind Dave: "Why don't you chew on a urinal mint you blind zilch"

"You should slip in a puddle of your own puke, and split your head open on the toilet"

About Lady Di: "She has the sex appeal of the diaper of a cancer victim"

About the new Scooby Doo Movie: "Talking dogs are only funny if they're inspiring you to kill couples in New York"

"No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined."

"I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody"

"Could you do a split on a white shag rug, and not cause a ruckus?"

"Looks yummy, but it smells like copper"

"I am a silly, blubbery titted goose"

"I hope your parents drop dead of a stroke ten minutes before your wedding"

"I am, however, currently writing a sitcom about my last relationship for NBC called, "Excuse Me, But Your Cunt Smells Like Cadaver Feet"

"And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child"

About Steven Tyler of Aerosmith: "If that big lipped dicksucker sings one more ballad, I am going to arch a load into his nose"

"I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle"

"I hope you die the day before your daughter gets married!.....I hope you fall face first into the wedding cake in the dressing room! Just as you're about to walk her down the aisle, I hope your heart stops...every year there would be a tear, and a little resentment at DAD for having a selfish stroke, and ruining the whole thing!"

"If I had hepatitis in a squirt gun, I would blast you and your stupid kids!"

"Don't forget to check out my new sitcom on ABC, "That's quite a big cock on you, Mister"

"You know one April Fool prank that is kinda cute and funny, is, and it's kinda hard to do, but if you work in a hospital, and if someone happens to have a baby that, ya know, is stillborn, it's really funny if you hand it to 'em and go, 'Here,' and they go, 'Aaahhhh," and you go, 'Ahh, I'm kiddin', it's dead!'......they shake it for a minute, and then everybody laughs"

"You sound like a girl I raped in an alley"

"You're a pig who goes down for a lobster dinner, why don't you die in a bus accident"

"You're a stupid abused woman, shut up you uncle victim...shut your dumb victim mouth"

"Doesn't hurt me, I just pretend I'm eating cotton candy while he's inside"

"The only thing you should share is your fluids on her face & back after a hard day's work"

"Men don't do laundry unless they're chinks"

"The fact is, if you know what Jim Thome's batting average is - you're a dyke"

"Do you realize you have the wit of an autistic?"

"You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living"

"Pull that diaper off, it smells like baby powder & little accidents"

"Have you ever sat on such an ugly lump of venereal disease before?"

"I'm really going to have a little accident. My boxers look like a Kellogg's corn flake right now"

"What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!"

"I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil"

"If I was a girl, I'd have a miscarriage right now"

"Look at that little bloody thump on the floor, that was gonna be something!"

"I am dying to sleep in a rest area between two black murderers. Just two snipers and a white friend, groping blindly and getting to know each other. Maybe one of us has a leaky accident, the other two laugh and put their cocks through the trunk hole. Then I apologize for being late and tell them I got side tracked tussling two Guatemalans in a white van. We all high five and do a little man to man comparing. They call me a silly goose and I call them God and the young curry eating savage. Maybe Chief Moose comes over, elbows our ribs and gives all our backsides a good lesson. Just a thought."